This kind of lonelyness

Today, I walked far, I worked hard, I took my art seriously and my own life not so much. And when I got home, happy and satisfied with a long day of work, I felt a punch of solitude. It is not uncommon in this days. I think that I am in a very good artistic development fairly because I'm lonely. There is not such thing as an artist that is happy all the time... although now that I think about it, I don't think that lawyers and accountants have a blast every day either.

I think that in the last times my life resembles a wild wave from the Pacific (which is not pacific at all) sweeping me violently, at times menacing with drowning me, at times exhilarating, at times, like tonight, a little sad. And at the beginning I kicked and paddled and tried to stop or modify or "understand" the wave. I was furious for a while. But then something happened. I stopped struggling and out of frustration, boredom and exhaustion I let go. The wave doesn't stop, and certainly is no less violent and full with uncertainty, but it has become bearable.

And after a long time, at least five years, I was a spoiled brat, an irresponsible adult. It was a time in which I abandoned much of what I loved about myself. Certain natural wisdom that I was gifted with when born was lost, and the reboot has hurt infinitely. Nothing in my life has been as powerful and driving as love, nothing has hurt as much as a certain one. And from the ashes of myself I popped into a fragile existence again. And now I have new feathers and a new voice, but I still feel a little awkward, as every big headed, short legged, big bellied young bird.

But then, I like myself again. I feel life deeply. But without the struggle I have become a peaceful and calm observer of my tribulations. Some of that wisdom has returned, now in the shell of a man, of a warrior full of scars that has a firmer look in his eyes and a more still posture in his body. I've learned much... very much.

I'm not sure what to do with it now, but then again my life is one of certain uncertainty, so I'm not surprised about it anymore.

Today I learned that I have a hard time humiliating someone (even trying with all my might), but that I am a very good lover and my hands and my body, although far from perfect and far from the beauty standards in a man, are absolutely well trained to perceive, receive and give pleasure. Today I had a man on his knees chewing a piece of masking tape from the floor while I shouted that he was doing it wrong, and I had a fragile woman melt in one of my hands out of passionate desire while I held her towards my chest in the floor.

Joys of my trade.

Today I'm lonely, listening to Chet Baker (who is not helping in the general mood) and I wanted to let you know.